too much traffic on the road

confident, strong-willed, self-assured... they were the more fitting adjectives I used to correct others with after they pouted their lips and called me selfish; a term shouted in my face frequently after I'd request the use of my primary school's library desktop every lunchtime at 1:00 pm to print off a new and improved tray tag so everyone would know the correct tray in which to slip love letters.

I later learned, growing taller and growing slightly more intelligent, that being called selfish was apparently not something people liked to be called. I made it a 'rule', from then on, to always put others first and never not consider anyone's opinion. I wanted to be friends with everyone. I wanted everyone to be friends with me. I wanted to be the girl with the personality that every other girl wanted to have and every other boy wanted to date.

In no time, I was sulking outside of my primary school's library upon watching the desktop being used for everything but printing off tray tags. As much as I disliked this new advancement, as well as raw carrots and too much traffic on the road, I disliked being called selfish so much more.

For a greater portion of my life, or the largest part of the apple pie cut, I was adamant about following every single rule I knew, whether it was on the wall of the public bathroom ("follow these rules to learn the correct way of washing your hands"), or the unspoken law of the Hargreaves family to never take out and then proceed to eat the torn-in-half butterscotch finger biscuits from the Paddington tin (as they had more than likely been residing in the comfort of Paddington since Arnott's biscuit factory was founded in 1865).

In more ways than one, me following the rule of following every single rule worked out, and continues to work out quite well for me.

But, in more other ways than one, me following the rule of following every single rule hasn't worked out, and continues to not work out quite well for me. For example, if there was a line, particularly at the canteen, and there was only one corn jack left, (and I knew from the deepest of my instincts that none of these meat-eaters would understand just how limited my choices were in this canteen and of how much value that one corn jack was to me) I wouldn't even think to go to the back, instead push or cut my way to the front through the help of familiar faces in the line. Don't interrupt someone while they are talking? Don't talk with food in your mouth? Don't eat ice-cream with a fork? Been there, done that, and will probably continue to do this.

There exist many rules you can bend and break, if limiting to you or others. 'Don't be selfish'; definitely one of these rules. After the tray tag incident in early primary school, this was hard to wrap my head around. Being selfish was like not washing your hands after you went to the bathroom, or not saying "bless you" after someone in your vicinity had passed a sneeze. I was a good girl, always had been, so embracing this new way of life was not going to be easy.

But why shouldn't it be? Why are we taught so young, in both the comforts of our home and the communal space of the classroom, to not be selfish? We're given praise (pat on the back, yay) for sharing our favourite juice box with the next-door neighbour's kid who frequently wets the bed and probably wouldn't benefit from this 'caring gesture' (if you know what I'm saying) and given a scold if we choose to benefit our own stimulation and health (god knows what kinds of coodies that kid has ingested) and keep our favourite juice box to ourselves. Sharing your juice box throughout your life just leaves you hearing about other kid's wee stories and without a juice box.

What I'm trying to get at, amidst the juice box metaphor, is that being selfless and only doing things for everyone else your whole life is going to get you nowhere. It was ridiculous of me, at such a young age, to believe that I could gain extra friends and extra attention from boys by sacrificing my own happiness and personality.

You, like me a few short years ago, may question becoming selfish, because like me, you were taught not to be selfish growing up. You're allowing for, like me in the tray tag incident, to block the theory of being selfish, because like me, you thought of being selfish the same way you thought of taking candy from a baby or money from the homeless.

No, no, no. Here's where our idea of selfishness needs to be thought of the same way you know wearing a seatbelt in the car to prevent an accident and socks to warm up our feet on a cold night; preserving and/or developing our OWN well-being. You're already such a superstar at eating when you're hungry and showering when you start to smell a bit funky, so how is it any different to say no to someone you don't like or quit a job that makes you miserable?

You HAVE TO be selfish. You HAVE TO. Because the only way to pursue your most desired ambition and preserve your greatest source of happiness is to be selfish. Why impose limits on your own prosperity to greaten someone else's? And i'm not saying to be mean. I know it may be confusing to hear "Be selfish" and "Don't be mean" and not receive mixed signals like you may have after he said he'd text you back after dinner but it's been four years and you know dinner, in any culture, couldn't last that long. In fact, you may be rightfully confused having grown up to understand the term selfish to mean "lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure". Of course, after hearing that, I can see why being called selfish would be the last thing on the list of things people want said about them, in close running to "hates babies" and "a tailgater".

But despite what the dictionary on Google may say, there exists a whole universe between being selfish in a good way and being selfish in an awfully, horrific way. Here are some examples;

GOOD: Taking a bath when you get home from a hard day at work and using the last of the hot water.

BAD: Taking a bath in the evening after already having a shower in the morning and using the last of the hot water, even though your family hasn't showered today yet.

GOOD: Taking your friends to a movie you were really excited to see and paying for their tickets.

BAD: Insisting your friends come to a movie they didn't want to see in the first place and making them pay for their tickets and sitting by yourself in the theatre.

Being selfish should not be at all contentious. We should all be allowed to be selfish. We should all be allowed to benefit our well-being. Pursuing the career YOU wanted, following the diet YOU believe in and wearing the jeans YOU think are the coolest jeans ever, won't stop you from being the empathetic and kind person you have set out to be... in fact, it may HELP you become just these things.

How are you meant to be your happiest self if you're stuck rejecting people's loans and coming home sad, and wearing the skinny jeans every girl at school wears on casual day? You won't. You'll just be a limitation of your happiest self.

Act selfish; not only to benefit yourself but the people around you. Don't be an asshole and go around yanking everyone's ice creams out of their hands and throwing them up in the air just to watch them splash all over the ground for a second of stimulation. But yank everyone's ice creams out of their hands and throw them up in the air to watch them splash all over the ground because they were expired by a year and you care about your friend's health.

If being selfish results in you being a happier, more content and generous person, then be selfish. Be so selfish that you achieve everything you ever wanted to achieve, smile more at the end of the day, and make the lives of others around you so very much more joyous.

, ally (wishing you clear skin and happiness!!!)